Nine Months and Counting

The day Emma arrived I awoke with a rush of amniotic fluid in my bed at 4:00am, August 14, 2010. That weekend was tiring but a relief from morning sickness, back aches and living without my new baby. She was perfect, to me at least. Large pink lips, perfectly shaped head and one of the sweetest cries I've ever heard from a baby.

Since then, my husband has moved to Shreveport for work, we have moved out of our house and in with a friend, all my kids have been to the ER for various illnesses or injuries, I started selling Tupperware and Emma has grown into this doll of a little girl, who flirts, laughs, dances and loves her brother and sisters.

She is nine months now. It has gone by so fast. She talks a lot! She says Mama, na-na and many other various words that are, as of yet, incomprehensible. We are teaching her some sign language to help her tell us what she wants. She knows the sign for "more" and claps her hands when she wants more. She is definitely a mama's girl. It is rare that I get a moment to relax without her next to me, attached to me or climbing on me. I find myself wondering what she is going to be like when she gets older and then I have to remind myself that I need to cherish the now because she will only be this little for a short time. Soon she'll be telling me like it is and dancing on the ceiling (like someone else we know, MAREN!)

What I am loving most about her is that she is such a happy baby. The only times she cries are when she's hungry, soiled or tired; and usually, if she has me, the crying is nonexistent. Her joy becomes my joy. Her spirit lifts me up and helps me see the bright side, just as all my children have done for me. There is something about a baby that helps me forget the bad parts of life and just enjoy right now.

Breastfeeding, Not Just For Baby's Comfort

As I am about to venture back into the realm of 24/7 baby care, I get more and more excited as each day passes. I think of my little Emma constantly and I even dream of nursing her. Her arrival will be a blessing and a joy.

It has been 5 years since I breastfed a baby and that baby decided she was done at 9 months. That was a sad time for me. It broke my heart that my precious one didn't seem to be interested in that closeness anymore. It was as though she was done with me in a sense. The funny thing is that I didn't realize until then how strong an affect that breastfeeding had on me. I saw that breastfeeding was more than just a way to feed my children, but also a way to nurture myself and give myself comfort. Breastfeeding gives me a sense of calm, a way to relax and a way to connect with my babies on a level that isn't possible any other way. I believe that my children learned to trust me and have faith that I would always be there. I believe that it gave me insight into their personalities early on and gave us both the opportunity to receive much needed affection and comfort. Breastfeeding helped me mature and see the value of cherishing the small moments in life.

As a first time mom, I was already determined to breastfeed and it was a good thing, because it took a solid two weeks to get my little boy to latch on properly. I was discouraged, sleep deprived and frustrated; but I knew that I wanted to give it my best shot. I am so glad I did too, because breastfeeding has been one of the most fulfilling and intimate experiences of my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know that I am a better person for having nursed my babies. I know that I am wiser and a more well-rounded person than I would have been had I chosen not to nurse. For me, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Contracting and Sleeping

So, here we are at 36 weeks and 4 days and i started to have some mild real contractions last night. They lasted for about 2 hours, stopped for 2 hours and then started back up around 11:00 pm and lasted an hour. The time is winding down and the excitement builds. i dreamt of nursing a baby last night. the closer we get the more anxious I become. I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me that I am dilated to 2 centimeters already. He says that it is not uncommon for a 4th pregnancy to begin dilating so early. i just want this little girl to come out. Fortunately, I have been sleeping heavy so maybe I won't be exhausted when I do go into active labor.

The days have passed by so quickly. It is now the end of May and we are a mere 12 weeks from the beginning of a new and happy relationship with our new baby, Emma. Yes, our baby is a girl. Another girl!

I've spent the last two months working with my doctor to even out my mood and get to feeling better. I am still having to take an anti-nausea medicine every day so I can eat. He also adjusted my Thyroid medication; which has been a constant thorn in my side for many years. Fortunately, my doctor has put me back on Lexapro to help me feel less anxious and on a more even keel. I had taken this before I was pregnant and was off of it for the first 24 weeks of my pregnancy. I was feeling overwhelmed and having panic attacks several times a week. I also wasn't eating well; which made me lose weight instead staying where I was or gaining.

All in all, I feel tremendously better now--not perfect--but better. I am still sleeping a lot and get tired easily. I can't do much walking past 10 minutes or so because my lower abdominal muscles and ligaments are loose and not toned. I walk as much as I can though and I am beginning to feel that feeling of missing my baby...even though we haven't yet met face-to-face.

I think I am most excited about having that nursing relationship with my baby. That is something I have missed since Maren was 9 months old. Yes, the little mess decided to wean herself at 9 months because she had better things to do like play with her older brother and sister. She broke my heart! So, I am definitely looking forward to being able to nourish another little person and develop that close and precious bond that only nursing can provide.

Babies really are a gift from Jehovah God and I am thoroughly ecstatic to be able to care for another one of his gifts. Happiness is on its way again!

Sick Momma, But Healthy Baby

I went to the doctor again today. Still no word on the gender of our little peanut. I found out though that I am a bit anemic and my thyroid meds need adjusting again. I have to say that I am thoroughly exhausted. This pregnancy has definitely been harder than my previous ones. I have to just try to get through each day at this point.

I know I am fortunate that my baby is healthy and at least I am not having any complications in that area. I am thankful for this and don't want to complain. Another good thing is that I am not getting depressed over all this. Being prone to depressive episodes and long bouts of it as well, I cannot thank Jehovah enough for being such a Rock and support while I am going through all of this. I know that without my God, I would not be in such relatively good spirits. I can pray to Him and receive some emotional comfort, even if physically I am a wreck.

Well, just 20 more weeks until we get to meet this little monkey. I can't wait for that day to arrive.

He Was Mine by Libby Carswell

This poem is one I wrote about my son's birth:

He Was Mine

Warm November rolled in with rain.
Lying awake, up and down,
I just wanted to sleep
Then—POP!
I sprang from my bed with the burst balloon in my belly.
Through the window of the car my eyes followed the street lights.
Streaks of light and shadows dizzied me.
Churning stomach told me to vomit.
Hours of nothing…weak stretching and constricting brought nothing.
The drip---drip---drip…medicine to make them stronger.
They’ll rip me in two, I know that they will.
Started in the center of my back…
Then crept, then raced in circles over and over again
They refused with to stop; with vengeance they tore.
Inhale-1-2-3-4-5---Aaaggghhhh…again…Inhale-1-2-3-4-
I can’t. I can’t. Tears crept from eyes shut tight.
…make it stop!...Oh, God make it stop!
I cried, I wept, I begged for the end
Then, he came.
Little white waxy splotches on his skin. He was so red!
He squalled so beautifully.
He was here.
He was more gorgeous than anything I’d ever seen.
He was mine.
Divine and perfect…so big, but oh so small.
Wrapped up tight and put to my breast…he was mine.
Yes, and divine.

Can I Be Unpregnant Now?

There are days now that I wish that this pregnancy would hurry up and come to a close. The last couple of months have been a roller coaster of not just emotions and hormones...but morning sickness-coupled with allergies, a lingering sinus infection and migraines. I usually wake up between 2 and 4am to use the restroom and then I have a difficult time getting back to sleep. My alarm goes off at 6:30am to get the kids ready for school, and it is often likely that I haven't even been back to sleep for 30-45 minutes when it goes off.

Once they are off to the wonderful world of learning, I am either dragging myself to school or back to the house to go back to bed. This makes for tiring days, especially on the ones where I have my work class. I usually am physically spent by 2pm most days and am struggling to manage my homework and my housework.

I know it sounds as though I am complaining, but really I am just telling it like it is. Honestly, the part that keeps me remembering that all of this is only temporary is what helps me get through each day. There are now only 21 more weeks, give or take a few days, until I get to meet this little person who has taken over my body. It is funny how we women tend to forget what each pregnancy was really like, until we do it again. Then the memories of throwing up at 2am and needing to sleep all the time come flooding back. The question I ask now is: Can I please be unpregnant now? Yeah, I know that isn't gonna happen for a while...but at least I can dream about the days to come. I know that labor really starts at the moment of conception. This whole business of growing a human being is hard work and it is only rewarded when those baby-bird eyes are looking up at me telling me that I did good and that now baby is hungry!